ziuaploia's Journal

September 28th, 2007 | 6:22pm

: #12
Today I don't feel pretty
And i'm tired of trying to fit right in
Don't think that you're so great
Cause being great must suck


My heart is in the right place
So wipe that smirk right off your face
Don't make me feel like that
Cause that's just plain not nice

We don't always see the bright side
And I lied when I said I was fine
You slapped my face today
But I have licked my wounds and carried on


And now you know how you make me feel.

September 27th, 2007 | 6:31pm

: #11
Instructions:
Write fifteen statements,
Intended to different people.
And never tell anyone who they are about

1. I wish you were willing to give me a chance. I think we could make good friends
2. I don't tell you everything. I don't trust you 100%
3. I think you are the prettiest person in our entire school
4. I think you're a complete liar. I doubt every thing you say
5. I want to date you
6. You make me feel so angry inside, I don't care about you like I used to
7. You think Im still under your control, but how very wrong you are
8. You make me feel so happy inside, I wish we hung out more
9. I don't want you anywhere around me, but I don't think you get the hint
10. I've always thought mean things about your friends, but now I regret it
11. I want to get to know the REAL you
12. You will never have me, when will you realize that?
13. You're my best friend and I love you more than anything in this world
14. I pray for you every night, out of fear.
15. Your drug use drives me mad. It doesn't make you cool

September 26th, 2007 | 8:18pm

: #10
Rachel is a creeper.
But I still love her.
Kinda.
O_O


So I didn't go to school today, again.
Meaning I missed the grad bbq.
Oh no.
However can I go on with life.
...hahahahahahaha.
Losers =D

So I stayed home and cleaned, since my mums friend is over tonight.
That was actually quite fun.
I don't mind cleaning, when Im in the mood for it.
As I was cleaning Erik showed up and he took me over to the pet store.
Got a ton of new treats for Melpomene =D
She's such a spoiled little rat.
My princess <3

Then I went over to Eriks and browsed through his huge record collection.
I left with TWENTY vinyls!
Exciting? YES!

Here is what I left with:
INXS - Dekadance
Wings - London Town
Duran Duran - Rio
Duran Duran - Seven and the Ragged Tiger
Judas Priest - Sad Wings of Destiny
Bruce Springsteen - Born In The USA
The Boomtown Boys - Mondobongo
Billy Joel - Glass House
Bob Dylan - Greatest Hits
David Bowie - Hunky Dory
Van Halen - OU812
Paul McCartney - McCartney
Paul & Linda McCartney - RAM
Paul McCartney - Wings/Back to the Egg
Paul McCartney - Tug Of War
Paul McCartney - McCartney II
Paul McCartney - Pipes of Peace
Santana - Abraxas
Cat Stevens - Tea for the Tillerman
Black Sabbath - Mob Rules

So as you can see.. AMAZING =)



It seems I won't be working my regular job for the month of October.
But atleast I have variety sports on Saturdays.
The only problem is having to be at work by 9am on a Saturday.
Screws with Friday night plans.
I'm so looking forward to this upcoming weekend though.
Everything is planned so perfectly.

I love perfect weekends.
They are one of the main things I live for.
The freedom and joy that comes along with them.
So perfect.
So needed.
The perfect end to the week.

September 25th, 2007 | 9:20pm

: #9
So no school for me today.
Was so nice to just lay in bed and know that I didn't have to get up if I didn't want to.
No work either.
And no work tomorrow.
It's amusing how my incredibly busy week is slowly thinning out.
I must say Im pleased.

Got to talk with my cousin Andrea tonight. Was wonderful.
I truly love her so much.
I want to have a deep bond with her, and I think I'm getting there.
She told me tonight that no matter what my choices in life she will always love me and be there for me.
So many people say that, but so rarely I believe it.
I believe her.
I believe when my brother says it.
Other than that, I'm cautious.
Love isn't unconditional.
There are almost always conditions.
My biggest fear is going past those conditions.
But with Andrea and my brother. I have no fears.

September 24th, 2007 | 8:56pm

: #8
So here it begins. Back to the world of blogging.
This entry will be so unlike the old ones on here, for so much is different.
I'm not in such a dark place.
I've grown, I've changed, I've aged.
There is now a light beginning to glow at the end of my tunnel. It is such a beautiful change for me.

Today was school, obviously, since it's Monday. Classes were alright but I found myself so incredibly tired all day. Luckily I got to have a nap after I got home from Madison's house.

I'm currently realizing how difficult blogging is. I'm at such a loss of what to talk about. I don't know why I'm putting so much thought into this.
My blog is mine. No one sees this. Unless Rachel decides to be a creeper and come read it.
This is me talking to me.
I shouldn't feel so self-conscious.
But I do.
Why do I judge myself?

I think I shall end this entry with that thought.
Tomorrow I will make notes of things to write about =D

Blogging world, I have returned.
Welcome me.

June 22nd, 2007 | 2:48pm

: # 7
Well it seems by the luck of fate I have once again stumbled upon my old journal.
The only question now is if I choose to continue with it or delete the whole thing..

So much has changed.
And yet.. so little has TRULY changed.

My outlook, my life.. it is no different today than it was a year ago. I feel there is a reason I found this again. I feel like maybe I should continue.

We shall see..

November 20th, 2006 | 10:20pm

: #6
I did it again tonight.
I thought I had quit.
Was done forever.
I was wrong.

I'm upset at myself for letting it happen.
Where is the willpower, the choice?

I'm keeping this short.
Not in a good mood.

I want to stop forever.
I'm scared I can't.

November 17th, 2006 | 10:23pm

: #5
Camera hunting!
Getting a digital camera for xmas.

Here's what I'm considering so far:

http://www.bestbuy.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?logon=&langid=EN&sku_id=0926INGFS10080272&catid=22474#

http://www.futureshop.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?logon=&langid=EN&sku_id=0665000FS10071893&catid=

http://www.futureshop.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?logon=&langid=EN&sku_id=0665000FS10080653&catid=

http://www.bestbuy.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?logon=&langid=EN&sku_id=0926INGFS10071893&catid=22474

http://www.futureshop.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?logon=&langid=EN&sku_id=0665000FS10081431&catid=


Gah.. I know nothing about modern day technology.
Getting people to browse those and tell me which is best.
I prefer a simple SLR camera, where I develop the film myself.
So much easier.

November 16th, 2006 | 9:36pm

: #4
Sitting here with my kitty on my lap. I love her so much. I've had her since I was only 2 years old.
Shes a very elderly cat. She's getting sick. Getting tired. I worry about her.
But right now I'm not worried, I'm content. Shes calm on my lap, just purring for attention. Sweet cat.

Today was long.
Classes seemed to drag on, and even though some topics had me interested.. it was a fight to stay awake. Socials was the hardest. I wanted to watch the slideshow, I really did.. but my eyes refused to stay open. I fell asleep slightly. It was painful. Every time I could feel myself starting to sleep I would basically pry my eyes open. Gah.

Rachel is mad at me.
Who knows why.
I saw her this morning so I said hello, and she just ignored me, kept walking, turned around, said "Im mad at you, I'm not speaking to you", and then kept walking.
So.. I shrugged it off and ignored her for the rest of the day.
I don't have the time nor the energy to battle with her.
If she wants to be a bitch about nothing, let her.

In life, I look forward to one thing. Weekends and holidays.
This week has been shitty. Weekend tomorrow.
Weekend will be shitty.
I swear something is out to get me.
After a bad week, I want nothing more than to waste away my weekend with friends and more recently with my girlfriend there too. This weekend she is unable to come out to see us.
It isn't a HUGE problem, since she has been out EVERY weekend for over a month now.. but I miss her.. and I want to see her.. and my week will feel like it hasn't ended unless I get to spend my weekend with her.

Not looking forward to tomorrow at all.
Tomorrow is mark cut-off at school.. meaning anything I'm missing, if I don't hand it in, I get a zero, and then whatever my grade is, is what will appear on my report card.
I think I'm failing atleast 3 classes.. Let's see.
Human Services: Passing Math: HIGH chance of failing
Biology: Maybe passing Photo: Slight chance of failing
Senior Planning: HIGH chance of failing Japanese: Possible failing
Social Studies: Good chance of passing English: Possible failing

So, as you can see from the results above.. I'm fucked.
I have never failed a class in my life. I used to be a straight A student. Then I got a social life.. and a computer.. and my grades were never the same again.
My parents freak out if I get a C+.
This should be.. interesting.. to say the least.

It's not like I want to fail.. it's just.. I have so much other shit going on in life that I tend to put first. I know that's so idiotic and that MANY people have far worse problems and yet are able to maintain passing grades.. but.. I dont know..
School always is so pointless. I don't ever feel like I'm learning anything.. and when I do learn something.. I tend to forget really quickly.
Plus, I abhor homework. It's such a huge waste of time. When I get home, it means I'm finally away from the hell I have to go to every day. I don't want to come home, and bring the hell with me.
I need to smarten up though.
I want to go to university?
Fat chance if I continue the way I've been going.

I need sleep.
Badly.

I also need some form of sexual release.
Mmm.

November 15th, 2006 | 8:03pm

: #3
CAPP day today at school. I enjoy them. They consist of going to 4 sessions, instead of regular classes. This terms CAPP sessions were:
*Drug Awareness
*Pride Speak
*Body Image
*Leaving a Legacy

The only one that really got to me was Pride Speak.
Everyone knows I'm confused about my sexuality. Especially this past month has been the worst. All of a sudden I'm given a session in school about being gay. I took it as a sign.
After the presentation I went up to the guy that was giving it. He gave me a handout thing with information about a LGBT teen drop-in that happens twice a week. Every Wednesday and every Friday.
Next Wednesday I'm going to go.
Will drag Alicia along with me, I promised her free food.
Alicia is not gay. Alicia is asexual. But she will still have fun. I promised.

Typing about being gay brought up another issue in my life.

I'm a clingy person. I need constant reassurance about everything. Latest person I'm dating doesn't know that.
Now, I'm not complaining. I really care about her.
I'm just getting frustrated with myself.
The last person I dated/still am in love with made me really question my safety within a relationship.
With Sammi, I know I have no reason to question anything.. and yet.. I do.
I'm just scared of being forgotten.
Of being the one who everyone never seems to notice.
I feel that way a lot of the time.
Like no one truly notices I'm there.
This is why I'm so frustrated with me.
Hmm.. maybe it's just a phase. A mood that I'm going through.
I hope so, and I hope it passes soon.

What else to talk about for today.....

I can't stand the song Lips Of An Angel, makes me cry every time I hear it. All I can think about it Nick whenever it plays.
I miss him so much..
I haven't talked to him in about a week..
Before this wedding, we used to talk every day. Every fucking day. Now.. I'm lucky if I talk to him once a week.
It's so cruel how this turned out. I don't know what I did to screw everything up so badly. I guess I'll never know.. I've played the "Maybe it was because...." game far too many times.. and it's never given me a solid answer. I never get any of the answers I want. He isn't willing to give me those. All in due time I suppose.


Just a random thought.. But I adore the storm.
It's been a mad storm here all day, and all day yesterday.
I adore it.
Everyone has been complaining about the wind and the rain, I don't know why.
It's so chaotic outside, such beautiful pandemonium.
Everything is swirling around and bending and twisting. You can't see very much since the rain is so heavy. Seconds outside will equal to a wetness that can penetrate even the thickest of jackets.
I think it's wonderful.
I wish it would continue for a few more days.
I feel.. powerful.. in crazy weather.
Always have. Even when I was extremely little.
I remember being about only 4 and a lightening storm had hit one night. The wind was so strong I swear it would blow me away and the rain was pouring down like it never has again. The thunder and lightning were in the midst of an epic battle... and there I was. Standing outside. Wearing no more than a flimsy summer dress and socks. In the middle of the field right by my backyard. I had run outside while my parents were in the kitchen. I just stood there.. In the middle of the field. I felt so much power. A feeling I have never been able to shake.
I guess that's why I love this weather so much.
It's that small glimpse of power that everyone craves so badly.

November 14th, 2006 | 6:59pm

: #2
So its evening and school is done.
This is the time I like. Being home, being on the computer, being back where everything is safe and familiar.
The computer is my life.
People don't really understand how serious I am about that.
My life happens here. It's where the drama happens.

School today was as usual, boring. Block rotation happened, their way of trying to keep things exciting. Personally, it just confuses the hell out of me.
I worked today. I did what I was supposed to do. I was in a very sullen mood. I feel very lonely and very forgotten right now.
Im surrounded by people, people who "care". That doesn't mean anything though. At the end of the day, I still feel utterly alone.
I know how "teenage angsty" that sounds.. I do. But after these past 6 months, my whole outlook on everything has changed.

I guess this is the time where I give in and indulge. I will tell about my biggest life factor. My biggest "issue"..

Like every other person in this world, my problem is influenced by an outside source. Another person who gives my problem the oxygen to exist.
Like every girl in this world, that oxygen comes in the form of a guy.

Side note, quick fact. I'm a lesbian, I think. Sexuality is the most confusing of things when you're a teenager. I've never actually been attracted to a guy in real life. I'm very sexually attracted to girls. I'm dating a girl. But...
There has been, and still is, one guy. One guy who broke through my female dominated sex world.

Now, this guy I met online. We all know how awful that sounds. Oh, and yes!, there is an age gap. Six years.
Anyway, we met, we fell in love, happy happy joy joy.
Wrong.
The meeting, the falling in love, all true.
Happy happy joy joy, oh so wrong.
For three years it was bliss. So perfect. He really is an amazing guy. I do love him with all that I am.
The problem is, I'm not the only girl.
No, not even close.
There is me.
There is his wife.
Complications?
Slightly.

The wife is recent. 5 months ago the marriage happened. You would think that I would move on, that I would give up.. but I'm not one to quit. I do believe we are meant to be together. He is the only guy I've ever wanted.
It's been hell though.
This whole "incident" made me really change how I looked at things. Everything became so pointless after I found out. It made me see how you can think everything is great, and then out of nowhere something totally out of your control can come along and destroy the perfect little world you thought you had created.
It made me feel very unwanted.
Very, very lonely.

I've tried moving on. Not from him, but from the situation. I plan to wait by him until I'm 18. By that time he will have to make a choice.. Her, or me. I hope and wish that choice will result in a happy end for me. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I also do want me to be happy.
No one agrees with my choice in this. Everyone tells me I'm stupid and wrong. No one else has to live with this choice though.. which is why I've given up listening to everyone.
That's why I'm here.
So I can talk openly and not being judged by people who just want to get their say in.

This whole thing changed me deeply. I grew, I matured, I hurt in ways that I shouldn't have had to at the age of 15. I trust a lot less easily now, and I put less enthusiasm into daily routines. I don't like the changes, but they were needed. I justify everything I do.


I'm going to try and refrain from making my posts all about this situation. I want to make my posts daily. I want them to describe what I do on a daily basis, not what happens over periods of time.
I want to watch myself change and grow through entries. I want to get to know me better.
I feel that I've lost myself over the past few years, and now I want to figure out who I am again.